33. Dinosaurs

Don't Mess With the Horn, Son

Ok, so before we go any farther, I felt like it was necessary to share with the population that a Unicorn is not this weak little pushover that a lot of you may have been thinking he was. In fact, it is a well known fact that a Unicorn doesn't take any trash, from any body. That includes you Pegasus.

A lot of people also like to trot along, living their ordinary every day life, assuming that Unicorns also like to dance on rainbows... If you make this assumption, you've got a lot more coming than you think.

You see, back in the day, during a cult following of two influential stories, that of "the Warriors" and "West Side Story," Unicorns also segregated into two styles of beast.

Those that like Rainbows and Dance Parties. And Those that like wearing leather sleeves. In fact, it is another little known fact that A rainbow is just an invitation for a Unicorn dance party.

Some of the hippest, most trendy dance parties around are actually thrown by Unicorns. But not all Unicorns are into the dancing scene. Those that wear leather sleeves are more interested in punching holes through rainbows so that skittles burst out and there is a new celebration for the poor, which is focused centrally on the excess of skittles.

So... while a Unicorn may look tough, it's probably just interested in giving food away to the poor.

The Beauty of Tradition

Besides a freshly topped cheesecake, the speed and cunning of a gazelle, and an accurately performed roundhouse kick... there is nothing more beautiful than the sight of a lunar eclipse.

For centuries upon centuries, creatures of all kinds have spent evenings staring up at the vast horizon that so many of us call the sky. And on such a miraculous event such as the lunar eclipse, one can't help but feel inspired. And one particular creature, that creature being the Unicorn, felt more inspired than others.

Because of this, there is a tradition amongst Unicorns to celebrate the beauty of the stars and sky (and also to boost the Lunar Eclipse search ratings on google). And since then every Seventy-Second Unicorn has been named "Eclipse."

Since this tradition has been instilled, there have been less rolling stops at stop signs, an increased interested in ice sports, and an all-around best effort by local bakeries and fudge shops. Coincidence... you be the judge.

Bold, Just, and True

While a good Unicorn truth can be very educational, I think better than that is to just get real for a minute, and talk about what makes Unicorns so special.

You see, a Unicorn is not like a bird. It doesn't come and go as it pleases. It comes with intention, and leaves with urgency. A Unicorn will not kill a butterfly and then boast about it. If the butterfly is dead, then there must be a reason.

You see, Unicorns hold all power in their hands. They are aware of destiny. They are aware of justice. And regardless of the situation, a Unicorn will always do what is best for the good of the Universe. No acts are accidental, no acts are fault or mistake. A Unicorn knows the past, the present, and the future at all times, and is willing to defend all three by their sword. Because of this, the Unicorn has become the keeper of all knowledge, ways, hope, destiny, and love. Hence Absolute Truth 32.

32. A Unicorn can never be forgiven, or apologize. They simply never needed to learn how.

53. Unicorns Created the Grand Canyon

While some myths may tell story of the Colorado river slowly eroding the mountains and hills until the all mighty Grand Canyon was formed. While science is usually a fair explanation for geographic events such as the Grand Canyon, it came to us in a dream the true story about how the Grand Canyon was formed.

You see, in Unicorn folklore, it is tradition that on the full moon of the fourth year, on the twenty-fourth hour, a Unicorn must be chosen by the lightness of the stars in the sky. The Unicorn selected by the sky, is then called by the prime counsel to select a worthy competitor for one of the most outstanding test of skill known to all creature, beast and man. You and I may know it drag-racing.

But on this particular night... something quite eventful and mesmerizing occurred. You see, if there is a tie, then the Unicorn Tribe has no way of declaring a single winner. And without a winner, who will receive the chocolate covered donut with sprinkles? In order to reward the winner, there is always a rematch in the case of a tie. On this particular night, the two Unicorns were such great competitors that neither steed would let up.

Try as they might, neither challenger could find a victory and the drag-races continued on for ages. Year after year went by. Lawn chairs were invented. The spectators began growing their manes out in interesting ways so that it was cut short on top, but allowed room to grow long in the back. And as the crowds grew and gathered, the Unicorns continued on. Fighting left and right, braking and accelerating. Fighting for every start and finish. When finally, a phenomenon occurred.

On that fateful night, centuries after the initial moon on which these two young Unicorns did gather, the galliant steeds burst through. As they raced their last race, the ground dissipated under their wheels, and water began breaking through the sediments. Without any rhyme or reason, the ground became a river. And the racers were forced to concede.

Minutes later there were tour busses, old ladies with cameras, and daring young jocks with their dogs finding their way to the canyon's edge and down to the belly of the beast.

Since the even was such a "grand" event, they thought no other name would do, and the geographic phenomenon would forever be known as the Grand Canyon. We can thank the Unicorns for that.

101 Absolute Truths about Unicorns.

First of all, I'd like to start out by saying how excited I am to finally be starting this book. Clark and I (Julian) of the Show and Tell Showdown Show have been working on a book.

Some of you may know about this book as I have gladly shared the concept with you at dinner parties and social functions that us poor college students so frequently attend. But for those of you who may have just stumbled upon this blog, or had a friend refer you to it, or have nothing better to do than peruse the web for websites about Unicorns, allow me to share a brief explanation...

I had always known about pomegranates ever since the sixth grade in which we read a simple Greek story about Persephone. I remember she mentioned something about a pomegranate and I had always wondered what it was. What a strange fruit that you should eat its seeds and nothing more.

So nine years later, when I actually tried my first pomegranate it was a magical experience. An experience so very magical, that I began thinking of magical things. Immediately, I thought of a Unicorn. Oh what beautiful seeds this fruit did produce. And what a sweet sweet taste. I knew for sure at that moment that they must have come from a Unicorn's Blood! That's right! A Unicorn's blood is actually made out of pomegranate seeds...

And from then on, that's when I knew. I knew it was our duty to pursue the truth, and the truth is what we found. Slowly but surely, ideas just started coming to us... ideas that we were willing to bet our lives on as the truth. We were discovering ancient folklore with no more effort than merely shutting our eyes and believing in it.

So now, months later, we have compiled a list of Unicorn Truths... not just Truths, but truths that are absolute. But it doesn't stop there. It has become known to us, that we need your help.

You see, like in most folklore and myth, the story does not come from one mind, but from the minds of a tribe... a community if you will. So from this day forward we need your guidance and vision. Our list holds many, but some are shallow. Some are vague. And some are so pathetic we regret ever writing them down but we were close to 101 and we were desperate for fillers... But that is where you come in my friends.

Now is your chance, if you have ever searched for publication, or a spiritual definition in your life. Help us in our journey for producing this necessity. Comment, respond, e-mail, vlog... do whatever you must, to share with us your Unicorn stories. As we were the first chosen to share the truth about Unicorns, all visions or concepts must be siphoned through our spiritual reference manual before declaring it true.

With each submission, please attach your name, age, and location as we will make note of your contribution when we print out the book. Also, anyone who contributes a book-worthy Unicorn fact, deserves a copy of the book for themselves. So if we select your absolute Truth submission for the book, we will be sure to send you a copy for your tabletop or bathroom.

Thanks to all! Be sure to share the truth with your friends as we will be looking for wonderful entries. Stay tuned as we will be posting more blogs about Unicorns and the truths we have discovered in our every day lives. We hope to finish our list by the Mid-May and have the book printed around June, so speak now or forever hold your peace!

Some examples to get you going...
27. Unicorns are insecure about using public restrooms.
6. The only thing that a Unicorn slightly fears is the game Battleship.
49. Unicorns always knew it wasn't butter.

Stay tuned as we continue to share the stories of the Unicorn and how these truths came to be.